Sunday,
8th August 2021
Dear
Ma,
I
write this to you in mild disbelief. I half expect to walk into you tidying up
the next room. That you would tell me of today’s must-read Indian Express article
or order me yet again to abandon my decade old T-shirt. This I understand is no
longer possible and I am here to talk about my memories of you instead.
My
first memory, from long long ago, is your laugh, humming the eternally popular Ripon
Street baaraat band tune “Tequila”, and a just-learnt-to-walk version of
me stumbling along to it. You don’t drink and I can’t dance so this is a
strange thing to recall. At the same time, it is so you. Your giggle and your
endless stock of made-up games put you up as a firm favourite of generations of
children, three your own and everyone else’s. The ease with which you engage a
child’s endless energy is sure proof that you did never grow old. It is our
privilege to have grown up under your joyful and imaginative attention.
My
second memory of you is sombre. The impact that moving to Bharuch had on you, an
out-and-out Kolkata girl uprooted from its urban bustle to a small
back-of-the-woods town in Gujarat, into a world so different from what you had
known. Your initial shock and your subsequent rising to the occasion were
something that even a 3-year-old me could appreciate. As hundreds of your
students and acquaintances from two-plus decades there will attest, Kolkata’s
loss was Bharuch’s blessing. Adventure is often shown as conquering distant
hills and forbidden valleys but the wonderful, protected life that you and Baba
gave us 3 kids in a land so different from your own was no less exciting and
brave.
My
chosen third memory of you is more a running film than a specific span of time
or incident. A camp-fire, a relentless passion for doing the right thing in the
right way, which comforts greatly but occasionally burns. You do not appreciate
half-heartedness in any form. I think you’ll agree that filtering your emotions
isn’t your forte. You laugh as hard as you roar. You are a rock of comfort in
critical times but don’t shy away from letting the tears flow either.
I
remember the roasting you gave me when I, in teenage ignorance, ridiculed your
favourite poet Dylan Thomas’s “Fern Hill”. I recall your thirst for knowledge,
a core trait shared with Baba for 49 years, which kept you learning and
inquisitive all through, in your own words “up-to-date”. Cable TV, vacuum
cleaner, washing machine, microwave oven, PC, laptop, smartphone – you
negotiated through them all, living it up virtually as much as IRL. Your sudden
revelations of knowing the latest Guru Randhawa song or the exact details of a
Jason Statham fight scene leave me wondering who is the older among us.
I
worship your energy in all that you do – host of a ridiculous amount and
variety of get-togethers, most opinionated road-trip participant, queen bee of
your Brahmo Girls school girl gang, painstaking saver of money for incremental
improvements, teacher of history and English in all their nuances, writer book-lover
librarian extraordinaire, setter of impossible standards for pet care, denouncer
of political extremism and sloppy dressing (phew, that’s only about 10% of your
abilities) – all with a warm heart and a booming voice. Your beloved parents,
Dadubhai in his meticulous perfection and Dimma with her emotional core, live on
and spread their goodness through you. Hope your reunion with them and waggy
tailed Putputti is even more perfect than I can imagine.
You
could have aimed for the stars with your intellect, education and capabilities
but then you wouldn’t give yourself any relief from your duties as Mom either. Through
sincere work in whatever life I choose, I hope to respect your ambitions and
make a few amends for your sacrifices. I never got to tell you this while you
were still here, but you are my hero and your life-story is the stuff of
legends. Maybe I will write it all out someday, in all its pain and all its
glory. Much as I will miss the immeasurable comfort that you gave me as Mom, I
will also remain in awe of the relentless perfection that you sought as a
professional.
The
greatest regret of my life will remain not being right next to you when your
time came. Those stories of my travel which will now remain untold to their
most eager audience. That long list of your planned food items during my visits
home will now each hurt in their own way.
“Kutush,
don’t be selfish” was your one advice in life and I try to follow that within
my own limited capacity. But I’ll make this one exception by claiming your time
though I know that you’ll watch over everyone that you loved, not just me. In
what seems to be the only consolation for your absence from this world, when
roaming areas with limited mobile connectivity or on busy days, I no longer
have worry about you worrying. Now I know you’ll be there with me, on every
mountain trail, in every urban jungle, on every motorcycle trip. Friend. Judge.
Guide. Mom. Always with me.
Lots
of love,
Kutush
[https://virtual-inksanity.blogspot.com/2021/08/always-with-me.html]